A brief history...My master (Iloveher) and her spawn rescued me as an orphan kitten. My mother was a weak, and frequently distracted feline, who sought only to satisfy her own needs. Abandoned and hungry I feared it was the beginning of a life of struggle until I met my master (Iloveher). While still my captor, she is the only human I find even remotely tolerable. Humans in general are evil beings who seek to promote the oppression and torture of captive felines. My master (Iloveher) is not without fault however and has made some decisions to impede my criminal progress. Starting with "the knife". The neighbor humans, concerned about my quest to create an army of my own offspring, forced her to send me to the knife doctor (ihateher). This horrible female psychopathic avian lover shaved my arm and proceeded to jab me with a sharp pointed object containing some kind of poisonous solution. I retaliated by shredding her arms to ribbons and removing a few chunks from her hands. Her minions however outnumbered me and when I awoke I was brutally maimed and missing my reproductive organs. It took me weeks to forgive my master (Iloveher) and it laid the foundation for my current life's mission... to rid the world of the avian armies.
I spent months studying the avian targets.. learning their habits and patterns. I've watched them from the ground, from rooftops and trees. I would lie for hours silently observing. I took
my time... I waited and watched and studied, all the while my thirst for their blood grew stronger and stronger. I was well fed. My master (iloveher) had always bought delicious food for me and allowed me to ingest bowls of it throughout the day. After the knife doctor (ihateher) brutalized me in unspeakable ways, she proceeded to tell my master (iloveher) that I should be put on a reduction of rations to prevent a weight increase. Then to my horror, my master (iloveher) replaced my bowls of delicious food with dry balls of something that resembles a sand dirt mixture. I overheard my master (iloveher) telling her spawn it was "diet food". It was then I realized I could wait no longer. My need to kill was too strong now and it was time to put my skills and observations into action.
I started with the resident squirrel. I had watched him from the tree, collecting nuts and seeds and returning them to his nest. Showing me his patterns, day after day. The idiot rodent may as well have drawn me a road map to his own murder. When the day came it was over quickly. I snatched him from the tree in a matter of minutes. My master (iloveher) was displeased with me and screamed loudly when I presented her with my trophy of the partial carcass and tail. I think secretly she is proud of my work but fears the disapproval of the neighbor humans. I then moved onto my life's mission. The Avians. I started slow.. with a Robin. The usually alert red breasted avians were no match for my studies and hunting skills. Within the first week I had picked off a handful of them. Seeking more of a challenge I moved to the Jay. The loud grating noisemaker did not go down easy and fought till the end but I was victorious. Sadly after a satisfying week of 8 victims, my master (iloveher) was receiving complaints from the meddling human neighbors about my choice of burial grounds. She then made another unfortunate decision. She affixed a jingling gold ball to my neck device. This troublesome fixture alerted the avians to my presence and halted my rampage.... temporarily. In an attempt to convince her to remove the device I used my superior intelligence against her. I stood on her chest before sunrise shaking my head to engage the jingling torture ball. She found it as intolerable as I did and removed it. I was then able to give her the slip in the morning and continued the killing. As of late however, she remembers to attach it to my neck each morning before I am permitted out to hunt.After a week of wearing the device, I was so desperate for a kill that I resorted to another type of crime. Upon observing the neighboring feline swatting at a broken window screen, I entered the neighbors house. Their fat shameful house feline was no match for me and I quickly subdued him and ate his rations. I was able to keep this up for several days until the neighbor human caught me and repaired the screen. I now use his window garden as my litter box to show my disdain for his interference.
Last night I attempted to hide the jingling neck device under the refrigerator but my master (iloveher) caught me at the last minute and was able to retrieve it with a coat hanger. I show my displeasure by ignoring her rules about staying off the furniture.
I am making plans to continue my mission and will update you on my ongoing progress.
Stay tuned....
